Diving Deep

I haven’t been writing very much lately, mostly because I have been more than knee deep in trying to coordinate and facilitate changes in my personal and professional life. I have been struggling just to keep up instead of feeling as though I am thriving. I have spent a fair amount of time trying to digest and find clarity and direction once again. I have been mourning the loss of my old life as much as I have been trying to stay focused on what is ahead of me.

I have moved, I have changed jobs, and I have had to prioritize other things rather than those things I would rather spend time and energy on. I have really had to struggle to remain optimistic given everything that has been happening. And to clarify-it isn’t that anything truly devastating has gone on. Just a whole lot of change, and people behaving badly. To be completely honest I am really struggling with self confidence because I have been moving through such a period of instability.

People don’t like change, that is abundantly clear. I always thought I loved change, that I embraced it more than others-and I suspect this is somewhat true given the amount of times I have moved, relocated, traveled, started new professions, gone back to school, and generally started over again, again. I think it seems to be that I am getting to the point that I am losing or have completely lost the enthusiasm of this though. I am tired, I am burnt out of feeling like I am always just barely treading water. Just barely surviving. I have lived an extraordinarily complex life. I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to face challenges that have done their best to keep me humble, and dancing on the edge of some fairly deep depressions.

In saying that though I also realize I am not a victim, I have not suffered fools without purpose. I know, or at least I have to believe that all of this is teaching me the hardest lesson of my life. A lesson most people never graduate from, and I can understand why-it is vastly unpleasant. I totally get why people spend so much time focusing on the faults of others, or on society, or on celebrity. It is SO MUCH easier than dealing with the deep, dark void that exists inside many of us.

I have to hold on to the hope that this is furthering me to my purpose, because otherwise I would probably succumb to the thoughts that swirl in my head relentlessly, wanting me to believe I am not good enough, I will not accomplish what I want to do, I have no meaning, I have no home, I have no hope.

Generally speaking a lot of what I write is full of inspiration and positivity. I have always been an outwardly excessively positive person. I have been bullied because of my optimism, and I have also believed those I have trusted when they told me I was worthless. I continue to write of hope, and abilities because I need to read the words for myself. I smile the largest so that those looking at me will hopefully get filled with my joy, instead of succumbing to their own dark thoughts.

I know to the depths of my soul that my writing will resonate with the many not the few, because I know I am not the only one that struggles. I know eventually by sharing my story candidly and honestly, it will inspire others to do the same. I just have to find the patience and resilience to weather the sinking feeling that has been enveloping me for the past few months, if not years. I know those that have sought to make me hurt do so because they don’t want to be the only one feeling the pain that they feel, and I know I “should” probably not let it affect me like I do. But I feel, and I will most likely always feel all the feelings, it is who I am. Instead of seeing it as a weakness I have to see it as a strength and build from it, because it is fundamentally who I am.

I have to find things to look forward to, I have to find reasons to hope that things are in the process of getting better. I have to believe the philosophers that write about the dawn that comes after the dark. I will continue to elevate and encourage others who feel like today is their last day, because I understand that feeling all too well.

I saw a homeless man sitting on a bench outside a store that I stopped at whilst running hectic errands. It was a warmer day, the sun beating down directly on his weathered forehead. He had his bag of worldly possessions at his side and most passers by that I saw did not give him the time of day. I had just come from a grocery store and recalled how I had ice cream sandwiches, newly bought and quickly melting for my child in the boot of the car. So I gave him one, and we exchanged names. He was a lovely fellow, but I could tell life had also not left him unscathed. I instinctively told him to hold on, because I felt that is what I needed to hear for myself as well. I know he appreciated it. Such a simple thing, but weighing heavy on impact.

Humans are humans being. Let us remember to have compassion for others as well as for ourselves. We are worth the time of day we give to ourselves and others. We are worthy of healing, of letting go and of moving on to other things when that which we have no longer serves us.

What has you hopeful? What do you look most forward to? Be in touch, I would like to hear your ideas, they will most likely inspire more than just you.

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Be well, be kind, be compassionate. Be all the things you would like others to be towards you. All the gods speak of this, and I do believe them to be correct.

We are all connected. Even when we feel the most disconnect.

With gratitude x0x

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