This, just this- is what we strive for, **Perfection**. Whether we realize it or not we are always seeking out ways to attain betterment. There is nothing wrong with this, in its purest sense. It is what makes us human, but the perception of what that perfection looks like is what gets us in to a world of trouble. We all think that someone else has life better, or easier or has more power because of our perception of them. One thing that I learned many years ago, in meeting many different people throughout my travels and my journey are that people are just people. Even those that make a lot of money, those that are on TV, those that tour internationally with big names and big followings. They are all still just people. We all have insecurities and goals, we all put our clothes on one arm at a time. We all strive for more, or less the same fundamental needs: food, water, love, attention (of some kind, even in a coma we need attention of some kind) and we all need connection.
I used to be very anxious about not being perfect. I used to also be anxious about the possibility that someone might view me as being other than all knowing, all being, all wonderful all the time. But I am not these things, and I don’t mind so much anymore when people make the realization that I am not any of these things. I’m pretty “truthy” and up front with people now in my imperfection. I have so many things wrong with me physically in my “old age”. I have so many challenges emotionally that I am learning to navigate and grow through, and I am not unaware of this in myself.
Any time I tell someone rather abruptly and up front-ly that I am not perfect, most are shocked that I would even say that. They find it hard to believe that I would be so forthcoming with my faults. But I am not pretending, and I am not trying to be the person I think someone else wants me to be. I am completely comfortable in my own skin, with my warts and eczema, my less than taut body parts, my hairy body. I earned every single grey hair that is on my head and I do not mince or wince when I see a new wrinkle forming on my brow. They are all badges of honor, and they are all pieces of what make me perfect for me. I am single. And I am completely comfortable with that. I understand that in my culture, being single may not be perceived as being in any way perfect, and I am ok with that. Because when others see me comfortable in myself, my life and my skin- maybe, just maybe it will start a new line of thinking that it is ok that I am not perfect, and maybe then it is ok for them to not be perfect either.
Physical perfection we seek may be bigger lips, bigger boobs, bigger muscles, less gray hair, more head hair, thinner fingers (I have heard this) or thighs. But no matter how big and pouty we can make our lips, it won’t help in the long run to make us feel any less imperfect on the inside. I don’t wear much makeup. I don’t get my hair done that often. I do like to dress well and present well, but I don’t need Botox to do that. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those that do- personal choice, totally cool with it.) I’m just wondering if we could spend the same amount or even a fraction of the time we spend on our outward appearance on our inward self as well, in addition to.. not necessarily instead of.
I find it challenging when others try to paint a picture of me that suits their reality more than the actual reality. Because it just doesn’t jive with who I am. It suits who they want me to be in order for them to feel more comfortable with themselves, but it is not me. I know who I am. I am kind, caring, compassionate, intelligent, funny, quirky, resilient, honest, truthful, busy, and imperfect. I do not want to be put upon a pedestal only to be kicked off. I do not want to have others continually assault my character or my values because it suits them more. I am hopeful that as my life continues to roll forward that I will not find it so challenging when people try to project their beliefs about who I am on to me, I am still learning how to navigate this and to not feel threatened by it. And I understand this is in fact one of life’s lessons that has continually presented itself to me, and will continue to do so until I am completely confident in myself. I am close, I am getting there. And I am arriving there by continuing to demonstrate just exactly who I am. Being open, honest, forthright and so ridiculously positive that it irritates people who refuse to allow happiness in. I still have my days.
I do wish to have a partner in life at some point-but the right one, one that can stand all on their own, and not need me to be their rock. Just as I don’t need them to be mine. I am confident that I am doing everything I can, with whomever I can, with whatever I can to make this life better. I am seeking out opportunities for myself and my child. I am continuing to move forward, despite feeling like I have been kicked in the teeth over and over again. I will still have failures, just maybe not to the same magnitude as I once did, because I am believing deeper and stronger in my actual ability to succeed. I have done so many things in my life. I am capable of doing basically anything I decide I want to try, and I recognize the power in that. I am no longer afraid to fail, so now all I can do is succeed. It is coming. I know it is coming, I can feel it.
In the meantime I continue to tread along the day to day, hoping, wishing and praying to deeply know that today I will do my very best, and maybe I will fail, but maybe I will also learn something along the way. And I will survive, and eventually, when the time is right, and the stage has been set, my life will unfold with the beauty and success I know in my heart of hearts I deserve. I am the farthest thing from perfection, but that does not mean I stop striving to understand myself better, to learn new things, have new experiences and make new connections. I am open to the good in the world, and I have had an adequate supply of the bad, that can move along to somewhere else.
Perfection does not exist. Not even in math, except to say that imperfection is exactly perfection. We are perfect in simply being completely obtuse and irregular. We need to stop putting it upon ourselves that we have to be “perfect”. There is no such thing. There is only obtuse and irregular. So I encourage everyone to be obtuse, irregular and above all kind to themselves, and everyone they meet. That is perfection.
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