Two simple letters, one huge impact.
I found it so hard to stand up for myself and say no for most of the things in my life. I was persuaded and bullied, I fell for the wrong guys and the wrong crowds. I was afraid to challenge anyone because of how that might be perceived by others. I have lived in perpetual fear for the vast majority of my life, and it had me running scared.
Recently I was told by a medical professional that there was no way I didn’t have melanoma. Before the biopsy came back, and before a lab had shown what was really scientifically going on this person had decided that I had full blown cancer, and I found it hard not to believe him. I cried for a couple of weeks, silently in disbelief that how could that be? How could something like that happen? More shit. Just more shit. One night as I was laying in bed, tears streaming down my face it occurred to me. Just because he had said I had cancer, did not actually mean I did.
And so I said no. I said no out loud and in my mind. I yelled it. I was so angry, and I was so tired of having things constantly shoved down my throat because I was not strong enough to say no. I said no to cancer, I said no to disease, I said no to a shortened lifespan. I said no to believing the words of someone who did not have the proof or the truth and was just making guesses because it suited him more. I said no to constantly having things taken from me without my consent and I said no to the fear of dying. I am done with it all. And I will not go backwards. I have and will continue to live life at warp speed and fill it with as much good experience as I can. I am done with struggling, and I am done with other people’s greed.
Life is so short, and it is so beautiful and precious. I’m not listening to other people when they tell me it can’t be done, and I am not listening when they tell me to wait for something better to happen. I am making it happen, and it will be so good.
I have always been full of good even though I may not be taken that way. My humour may come across differently to some, my demeanour and my intent may be confused with what someone else wants to see. But I have always had good intent. And I am and will continue to give it with as much passion and force as I am capable of.
Because “no” is liberating, and “no” is truth, and “no” is respecting oneself. I am not afraid of my voice, or how powerful it can be. I can and will affect positive change. Because anything less is not who I am.
I am grateful that I have learned how to say no, and how to find my own voice, and I am grateful I do not have “full blown” melanoma despite someone’s so sure opinion. I am grateful for all of the madness and sorrow I have endured. Because inside every “no” is an infinite world of “yes” that is more right, more truthful and more strong than any other option.