Dis-ease

Let’s talk about disease. As in the state at which your body is not at its most healthy or balanced. 

The week leading up to the publishing and release of my book I rushed myself to the hospital on not one, but two separate occasions under the impression that my appendix was about to burst (as per the first DRs diagnosis). I can’t tell you how much pain I was in as I laid in the fetal position on the carpet of my home. I thought I was giving birth, but most definitely without the child. And despite me telling the doctors and nurses that it was biologically impossible for me to be pregnant, (save for a visit from Tom Cruise’s mothership) they took every type of pregnancy test available to rule out things like tubal and ectopic etc.. and at the end of the first visit, some 5 hours and an ultrasound later he sent me on my way with a suggested prescription of a VERY potent opioid for which  I declined and said I would just deal with the pain with this “early appendicitis” as he called it.

A few days later I was back. I had been to a fancy tea at a fancy castle to entertain and treat the residents for whom I serve in my day job. I drank probably 3 glasses of caffeinated tea with cream, ate sandwiches with crusts delicately removed and enjoyed the show and meeting various government figure heads etc. Everyone in attendance had a splendid time. 

That night I was back in hospital. Same pain, heart racing, pupils dilating. I thought for sure this was my appendix looking to be liberated from my body. I had even finalized the name I was to give it once it came out; Kristobel as I feel nicknames lighten the time for myself to deal with things. But alas, a different diagnosis, and one that made more sense given my inability to gain weight or tolerate much food. IBS. The Dr seemed to think that was a terrible diagnosis but I really didn’t think so. It actually gave me some peace of mind and made a huge barrel of sense. I now know why I can’t gain weight. I know how to change my diet and lifestyle to limit how it affects me physically. I was totally ok. No middle of the night surgery, no after effects… good stuff!

And then came Friday. Where I learned I might have melanoma on my foot. This curious and friendly dermatologist let me know, on more than one occasion just how serious this was as he cut out a chunk of flesh from my toe. I was in complete shock the whole time he spoke. I can’t say I’m surprised given the amount of time I spent outside as a human being, how many sun burns I got, how I used self tanning beds in my late teens to get that orange glow… 

I have heard the biopsy is not benign (aka not not cancerous), and they plan to remove more flesh from the site. It took a month to receive results, and a month for which I worried more than once, and cried more than once. But I feel calm now that I know. It is just another hurdle, another call to live. Another call to take time to see the beauty in the every day and to chose to want to live a good life. It may be seen as seeming unfortunate but I don’t see it that way. 

It forced me after everything else to finally say no. No to being constantly moving from one terrible experience to another, no to having things constantly taken from me without my consent. I will fight, and I will be triumphant. I will not lay down. I will not rest, nor will I give in to any challenge that comes my way. I refuse to give up and I refuse to be afraid any longer. I just call this more noise, just like the stress and battles, the manipulation and the worlds news. This is all noise. And I won’t listen to it anymore.

I will not let any of this define me, I will only let it lead me to a more balanced, gentle, motivated life (that is wheat, dairy, alcohol and caffeine free)- and I’m going to try to have fun doing it. I will live to learn to look past the noise.  And I will let go of the dis-ease that so easily can overrun us if we are not paying any attention.

~Yes, that photo is my toe, non airbrushed, complete with toe jam and the fugitive my skin cells harbour, soon to be vanquished. 

To anyone with moles especially ones that do not look perfectly rounded or perfectly all the same colour, I encourage you to have them looked at by a Dermatologist sooner rather than later.

To learn more about me and my journey

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